Guys, I have good news.

It's Jesus.
It's God.
It's His Holy Spirit.

It's that He loves you and He loves me.

It's that even though we don't deserve it, He'll never stop loving us.

It's that even when we turn off the lights and close the blinds, He keeps knocking on the door.

It's the fact that the empty feeling that we can't seem to escape when we lie down in the silence and darkness of night doesn't have to stay.

It's that He can fill up our emptiness
[good measure,
pressed down,
shaken together,
running over].

It's that the Son of Man came to seek and to save that which was lost.

It's that He has already chosen you, and He wants you to choose Him.

It's the Gospel, and it's absolutely blowing me away.

Guys, it's Good News.

Boldness and Blessings

Tomorrow will be the dawn of my junior year of college.  Yes, I am over half way through my college career, and at times it's a frightening thought.  But while I am becoming increasingly apprehensive as I draw nearer to my entrance into the "real world," I am also excited about this new year.  For me, it feels like a brand-new opportunity to live better than I did last year in several areas of my life. I have a lot of goals, and there is no doubt in my mind that I'll often fall short in my attempts to accomplish them.  My highest priority, though, is going to be living out my faith with boldness, which is something that I honestly just haven't done very much in the past.

I don't remember exactly what triggered the realization, but it just hit me a couple days ago: Being a Christian is so much simpler than we often make it out to be.  Our calling is to love others.  That's it.  Now, that love can be shown in a thousand different ways, but if we consistently just love people, then we'll be doing pretty good with the whole following Jesus thing. There has to be something that stops us, though, from acting on this. I mean, for me anyway, it's not that I hate people or even dislike them. I want to live out my faith, but I lack the boldness that it so often requires.  I think my problem has been that I've relied on my own boldness instead of the Lord's, and I will always fall short when I attempt to depend on myself instead of Him.

I prayed about all of this on Saturday night, for God to give me boldness the next day, and of course, He delivered.  For me, it was as simple as walking up and starting a conversation at church with a girl who had just moved to town and didn't know many people.  We ended up eating lunch together, and she plans to come back to church tomorrow.  I have no clue how much of a difference my obedience made to her, but I do know that it made a huge impact on me.  I learned on Sunday, because of her, that if you make it a point to be the kind of friend you'd like to have as your own, God will bless you for it.  He's faithful like that.

Charles Spurgeon words it well in today's Morning and Evening devotional:

"He that watereth shall be watered also himself."
Proverbs 11:25 

"Our strength for labour is hidden even from ourselves, until we venture forth to fight the Lord's battles, or to climb the mountains of difficulty. We do not know what tender sympathies we possess until we try to dry the widow's tears, and soothe the orphan's grief... We discover how much grace there is where we had not looked for it; and how much the poor saint may outstrip us in knowledge. Our own comfort is also increased by our working for others. We endeavour to cheer them, and the consolation gladdens our own heart. Like the two men in the snow; one chafed the other's limbs to keep him from dying, and in so doing kept his own blood in circulation, and saved his own life. The poor widow of Sarepta gave from her scanty store a supply for the prophet's wants, and from that day she never again knew what want was. Give then, and it shall be given unto you, good measure, pressed down, and running over."

Amen.

On Beauty

I think that basically every female on the planet has thought, at some point or another, that she's ugly.  Some have only struggled with this minimally.  Some, on the other hand, have been haunted for as long as they can remember by the fear that they will never be beautiful.  Some girls live every day terrified that they will never be loved as much as they would be if they were pretty.

Most girls do everything they can possibly think of to improve their looks.  They spend hours in front of the mirror with products and tools to make them look better.  They apply and reapply liquids and powders and gels to their faces. They pluck and wax and brush and straighten and curl and pin hair.  They try putting their hair up, then they take it down, then they leave it half up and half down.  They paint lips and eyelids and fingernails and toenails.  They try on outfit after outfit after outfit, searching for one that doesn't make them look "completely horrible." They tell the waiter, "I'll just have the salad," and spend hours upon hours in the gym-- not in the name of healthy, but in the name of skinny.  They pull their skirts up higher and their shirts down lower.  They go to a special doctor and pay thousands of dollars to get implants put in them and fat sucked out of them and collagen injected into them.  They do all these things, they labor all these hours, they spend all this money-- and why? For "beauty."

Women want to be beautiful.  More than that, women want to be told that they are beautiful.  They wanna hear it.  So oftentimes, when some guy waltzes in and tells a girl that yes, she is beautiful, she listens to his next words.  Then, eventually, she falls for him, even though he has a different value system than her, or he's only using her to quench his lust, or he's headed in a completely different direction in life than she is, or he's abusive, or he isn't even the same religion as her.  And by the time she comes to realize that the relationship will inevitably end, it's too late.  She's given him her heart, and sometimes, unfortunately, she's given him her body.  Often, a girl in this situation delays ending this broken relationship because, even though she's hurt by it daily, at least it makes her feel a little bit beautiful.

How truly, utterly, devastatingly heartbreaking.

Ladies, we were not meant for this.

I was driving to class today, when the song "Beautiful" by MercyMe started playing on the radio.  I'd heard it dozens of times before without much notice, but this time its lyrics caught my attention, especially these few, simple words:

"You're beautiful,

You're beautiful,

You are made for so much more than all of this,

You're beautiful,

You're beautiful,

You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His,

You're beautiful"

Girls, stop looking to men to make you feel beautiful, valued, whole, and loved.  You will always end up disappointed and hurt.  Men can never satisfy you, and they weren't meant to.  If you're desperately clinging to that empty relationship that you know has to end someday, then hear this: that guy may tell you that you're beautiful, but you know what else?  God, too, is telling you that you're beautiful.  The difference?  He'll never hurt you.  He'll never turn away.  He will give you a lifelong romance.  His love for you is real.  It's not based on something that you have to fight daily to attempt to maintain and will inevitably fade away.  No.  His love is based on your innate value that can never fade away or even be reduced at all.  For that reason, His love for you, likewise, will never fade away or be reduced at all.  

Hear me when I say that you are beautiful.  You are made for more than this.  Stop, turn around, and run to God.  He is your Satisfier.  Remember, He knows you in totality.  He knows every single detail of your thoughts, actions, words, and physical appearance-- all of it; past, present, and future-- and still, He loves you so incredibly much.  Still, He loves you more than anyone you know or ever will know.  Is He really not enough?

Yes, you are beautiful.  You are sacred.  You are treasured. Please-- be His.

1 Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.

2 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,

and cry to her

that her warfare is ended,

that her iniquity is pardoned,

that she has received from the LORD’s hand

double for all her sins.

...

6 A voice says, “Cry!”

And I said, “What shall I cry?”

All flesh is grass,

and all its beauty is like the flower of the field.

7 The grass withers, the flower fades

when the breath of the LORD blows on it;

surely the people are grass.

8 The grass withers, the flower fades,

but the word of our God will stand forever.

-Isaiah 40:1-2, 6-8

Guard Your Heart

This week I'm home for Spring Break, and today I decided to go through my super-old desktop computer's files to clean it out a little.  It's always interesting to look back at things I wrote years ago.  Sometimes my old writing is hilarious, and other times it's just embarrassing. Occasionally, though, it's actually pretty insightful.  That's the case for one document I came across a few minutes ago.  My guess is, I wrote this at about age 16:

"Guard your heart."

We hear this over and over, but do we think about it daily? Do we make a conscious effort to say no to things that will corrupt our hearts? 

I don't just mean R-rated movies, or profane music, or drugs, or going to far in a relationship. 

 What I want you to guard your heart against this week, all day, every day, is negative attitudes, hurtful thoughts, and dishonesty-- the little things.  Keep your heart pure.   

I don't mean "kind of focus on it a little extra." NO. I mean go all out!  If you want to further your relationship with God, you need to "Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life" (Proverbs 4:23).  Think about that.  I mean, really.  It's a big deal.   

2 Chronicles 16:9 says that the eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.   If you find yourself unable to worship the Lord fully and don't know why, you probably haven't been guarding your heart.  You're chasing after things that will NEVER satisfy; in a relationship with God, but flirting with the devil. The problem? You cannot serve two masters (See Matthew 6:21-24).

So this week, do what we should ALL do EVERY week, and watch as it transforms you and your relationship with God.  This week, guard your heart. 

Wow.  What if we really did live that out every single day?  What if we took every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5)? What would our relationships with our Father look like if we guarded our hearts like that?

"Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth." -Colossians 3:2

Fervently. Ardently. Constantly.

Let's pursue that.

Drink Deeply

Tonight I happened to flip through the book of Isaiah, and came across the following verse:

"They did not thirst when he led them through the deserts;
   he made water flow for them from the rock;
   he split the rock and the water gushed out."
--Isaiah 48:21

I have spent a lot of time these past few months walking through the desert, spiritually speaking.  I've also spent a lot of time these past few months being terribly thirsty, spiritually speaking. That isn't the way it's supposed to be.

God leads us all through some type of desert every now and then.  These times are always difficult, but they are meant to draw us nearer to Him, to teach us how to depend on Him.  These times are not meant to be spent in extreme spiritual thirst.  Period.  If you're being led through the desert right now, and you're going thirsty, you're doing it wrong.  I know I have been.

Now that Bible verse up there is talking about a physical journey that the Israelites made through a real desert.  God literally made water flow for them from a rock.  But since I'm talking about spiritual thirst, I need to define spiritual water.  In John 4:14, Jesus says, "Whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again." Some people think this living water is referring to salvation, while others believe it is the Holy Spirit.  Either way, though, I think it's safe to say that it has a whole lot to do with fellowship with God.

Like I said, when God leads me through a desert, I tend to spend a lot of my time being extremely thirsty.  It almost feels like that's how it's supposed to be.  I mean, deserts and thirst kind of go together, right? But if fellowship with God is our spiritual water, then how could we possibly believe that we are ever meant to be thirsty?  We aren't.  Isaiah 30:20-21 says,

"And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher.  And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, 'This is the way, walk in it,' when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left."

No matter what season of life we're in, we are always invited to fellowship with our Lord.  Let's drink deeply of it.

Treadmill vs. Pavement

My senior year of high school, I joined a gym. I worked out every day after school, and part of my workout routine included jogging on the treadmill.

As time progressed, so did my endurance, and I was able to jog a little faster for a little longer.  (Yes, that's how it works.)  I was feeling pretty good about my progress, and I remember one day in particular the weather was really beautiful, so I decided to change things up a little and jog in my neighborhood. I decided how far to jog, and set off.  No treadmill, just pavement.  It wouldn't be that hard, I figured, since I'd run much further at the gym.

I figured wrong.  I made it a whopping one-fourth of the distance that I'd initially planned to run, then stopped.  I was hurting. I was tired. I was out of breath. I was not running anymore.  So I walked the rest of the way back home, trying to figure out why on earth this run was any different than all the others. It didn't take too long to peg the problem-- the difference was the pavement.

I may not be a workout expert, but I know from that experience that running on a treadmill is substantially different from running on pavement.

Why?

Here's my super-scientific, heavily-researched analysis:

On a treadmill, you're only doing about half the work.  Yes, you're lifting your legs and swinging them forward.  But you don't have to push against the ground to propel yourself forward.  The ground moves itself.  You just lift and swing your legs. That's it.
Then there's the factor of incline. When you're running on a treadmill, the incline will always be consistent. There are no potholes, no ditches, and no obstacles.  If there's a "hill," it's because you programmed it into the settings.

To be clear, I am not saying that jogging on treadmills is a bad thing to do. Not at all! I do not regret one single workout in that gym.  Those jogs pushed me to be healthier, and I benefitted tremendously from them.  Yes, I am thankful for my time on the treadmill.

Now, here's what this blog is really about:

Life at the Honor Academy is like jogging on a treadmill.  Jump on, lift and swing your legs, and you're bound to get healthier. You're propelled forward by the resources, people, prayer, and the program at large.  Yes, you have to work some. Yes, you make real progress.  But you've got a lot of help.

And then, all of the sudden, you graduate. You're no longer an intern. You find yourself standing outside the "gym," and your membership is expired.  You want to continue getting healthier, but at this point, you're on your own.  It's just you and the pavement, and frankly, the pavement couldn't care less whether or not you move forward.

That's what happened to me, and I'd be willing to bet that other alumni have experienced the same thing.    It's harder to run out here, and so it makes sense to see a lot of them just quit.  It's easy to want to quit sometimes. I have no accountability card, no chapel, no CA, no core, and no rules.  I'm on my own.

And this treadmill vs. pavement thing is not a fault of the Honor Academy. That is not what I'm implying.  Like I said before, I am grateful for the treadmill.  It pushed me exactly when I needed to be pushed.  In fact, if it weren't for all those afternoons on the treadmill, I would never have been even close to being prepared to face the pavement.

I guess my point is this:

If you're an alumnus like me:
Keep running on the pavement.  It's harder, but it truly will pay off. A mile on pavement is worth a lot more than a mile on a treadmill.  Just ask your sore muscles.

If you're still at the Honor Academy:
You won't be on the treadmill forever.  Some day, your gym membership will expire, and you'll be on the pavement too.  With that fact in mind, push yourself harder than the settings on the treadmill are pushing you.  You need to have momentum of your own built up, so that you'll be ready to run on your own.

If you're not affiliated with the Honor Academy:
This lesson can easily be applied to things like summer camp, mission trips, or youth retreats, where you're spiritually propelled by others. Learn to push yourself at home, too.

Sanctuary

Tonight, I am thankful beyond words that despite all the stress I've felt this week because of finals, I am able to restore peace to my soul simply by stealing away for a few sweet moments with my Lord.

". . . let us press on to know the LORD;

his going out is sure as the dawn;

he will come to us as the showers,

as the spring rains that water the earth."

-Hosea 6:3

Amen.

His love is extravagant.

Drawn Again...

The past week of my life hasn't been the best ever, for a few reasons.

Most of you probably know about my grandfather passing away on Saturday.  I guess there's no need to explain why that has been difficult.

Then, on a much less severe note, I've been preparing for finals for the past three days, and have eight more days of intense studying ahead of me before Christmas break.

There are probably a couple other factors that have made this week difficult, but those alone are really enough to explain the funk I've been in.

Anyway, it all got to me tonight I guess, and I had just about run out of gas, when I decided to play worship music on Pandora until my spirits lifted.  Well, it took about ten or fifteen songs, but finally I could feel God speaking to my heart, lifting the darkness from me, restoring my joy.

I then opened the Word and read Psalms 9:9-10, which says:

The LORD is a stronghold for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.
And those who know your name put their trust in you,
for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.

Tonight, I am thankful that the Lord inclines His ear to my weak prayer for renewed hope.  I'm thankful that my Savior draws me to His voice again and again.  I'm thankful that when I feel utterly worn down, He can build me up once more.

O LORD, you hear the desire of the afflicted;
you will strengthen their heart; you will incline your ear...
(Psalm 10:17)

I'm thankful that He strengthens my feeble heart when I'm afflicted.  I'm thankful that, truly, all I need is Him.  Even when my world falls apart, I can endure it if my stronghold is the Lord.

My holy Father loves me, and I'm thankful.



**I'm sorry if this post seems less than eloquent.  I have been studying and writing papers pretty much nonstop for three days.  I'm pretty mentally exhausted.**

Face Like a Flint

One thing I've observed: God calls me things I'm not.

An example: This past year at the Honor Academy, my core (small group) name was Undivided.  It referred to having an undivided heart before the Lord, solely focused on Him, etc.  Let's be serious, though; undivided is the last word that describes the state of my heart.  It's almost laughable.

But God calls me these things, I believe, because He is speaking them over me; He's calling me into the person He says I am.

This year, He calls me a warrior.  See, I am "adopted" into my dear friend Kara's core from the HA, and that's her core name.

This year, I am not a warrior.
I give up, compromise standards, and turn away.
I sin like nobody's business.
I barely fight at all.
I'm discouraged, defeated, and lonely.
I skip quiet times more often than not.
I barely remember the taste of that sweet passion for Jesus.
Yet, this year, God calls me a warrior.

So tonight I was praying, and a phrase from a Bible verse came to my mind.  I prayed it, but all I could remember were the words "face set like flint." But thank the Lord for Google; I was soon thumbing through the pages of my Bible till I reached Isaiah 50, and read:

"4 The Lord God has given me the tongue of those who are taught,
that I may know how to sustain with a word him who is weary.
Morning by morning he awakens;
he awakens my ear to hear as those who are taught.
5 The Lord God has opened my ear, and I was not rebellious;
I turned not backward.
6 I gave my back to those who strike,
and my cheeks to those who pull out the beard;
I hid not my face from disgrace and spitting.
7 But the Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced;
therefore I have set my face like a flint,
and I know that I shall not be put to shame.
8 He who vindicates me is near.
Who will contend with me?
Let us stand up together.
Who is my adversary?
Let him come near to me.
9 Behold, the Lord God helps me;
who will declare me guilty?
Behold, all of them will wear out like a garment;
the moth will eat them up."
--Isaiah 50: 4-9

I don't feel like these verses describe me at all, and I usually don't act like they do either.  But if God tells me that I am a warrior, then I'm gonna claim it.  I'm going to be who He calls me to be, by His grace.

The Lord helps me...therefore I have set my face like a flint.



PS: If you Google "flint," you'll learn that it's some pretty awesome stuff.

"Let the Weak Say..."

Let me just tell you.

God is faithful.

In case you didn't know, I have my nose pierced. (Cool blog topic, huh?)  Yep, got it pierced when I was seventeen, I guess about two years ago now.

I took it out tonight.  Permanently.

I was standing in my room getting ready for bed, and it hit me.  The nose ring thing isn't me anymore.

See, when I got my nose pierced, I was experiencing the most difficult, earth-shattering time of my life.  Some of you know that.  Others may not.  Well, if I were to be honest, I'd have to say that getting that piercing had a whole lot to do with what I was going through at the time.  It was a symbol of my pain, in a way.  Sure, I thought it was cute, and I still do.  (My face looks kinda bare to me without it.)  But the fact remains that the piercing was more than just a fashion statement; it was a sign of my brokenness.

Today, I don't bear that brokenness any longer, thank the Lord.  About a year ago, during the first two or three months of my year at the Honor Academy, God set me free from so many chains that had bound me for what had seemed like an eternity.  I took hold of that precious freedom, and I proclaimed victory over my life.  Sure, I was weak, but with God I was strong.  I didn't have to sit back and let the Enemy beat me down over and over and over, relentlessly.  I could resist, and he would have to flee.

So I realized tonight how my nose ring symbolized those chains now long gone.  And like I said, I took it out.  I then began journaling my thoughts, and toward the end of my writing, I penned, "...God has healed me. I am risen. I'm undivided. I'm undaunted, and I'm a warrior."

After writing a couple more sentences, I took out my Bible and flipped it open to a random page, expecting to read an equally random passage.  But I tell ya, God is faithful. As my eyes focused on the paper, I read a single phrase:

"Let the weak say, 'I am a warrior.'" {Joel 3:10b}

Amen.

I am a warrior.

Note to Self

Let's talk about sin.

No, this post actually probably won't make you feel awful about yourself. :)  Maybe I should say "repentance" instead of "sin." That's closer to where I'm going with this.

I figure almost everyone who reads my blog is also Facebook friends with me.  And if you are, then you probably notice that a lot of my status updates are lyrics, quotes, and thoughts like,

"Some people worry about others becoming 'too devoted' to Christ. But I know how unfaithful I am. I know that no matter how devoted I become, it will NEVER be more than Christ deserves." 

"Long to look on the face of the One that I love; long to stay in Your presence, it's where I belong." 

"I don't wanna be just dry bones."

Don't those make me sound like such a great Christian? Haha.

Well, I'm not.  (And those of you who know me pretty well already know that, unfortunately.)  When I post things like that, it's usually after I do something stupid and realize how stupid it was.  It's usually me repenting.

If y'all are like me, then you usually wait a while to repent after you've screwed up.  If you're like me, then after you sin a little bit, you say, "Oh, what's the point? I've already failed.  I might as well just keep living like this for a while."  And you wait until you're completely disgusted with yourself, till you've sunken so low that you crawl back to God and lament, 

"I just can't do this anymore. Please, will you take me back?"

Now, here's the thing.  We could never live lives of holiness on our own.  I know I can't.  ANY good deed, good thought, good intention that comes out of me is from God.  We know this to be true.

So the thing to do is to REPENT IMMEDIATELY.  Yeah, I think that deserves Caps Lock.  As soon as we begin to feel ourselves compromising -- in any way -- we need to turn back to God right then.

No more feelings of failure driving us further from our King.

We need to accept His free gift of grace and move forward into holiness.

I think the following passage fits perfectly with my point.  It brings some conviction, but it also brings grace and hope.  The entire passage is absolutely key, but the parts I made bold are my focus right now:

⁴You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. ⁵Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, "He yearns jealously over the spirit that he has made to dwell in us"? ⁶But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, "God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble." ⁷Submit yourselves therefore to God.  Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. ⁸Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. ⁹Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. ¹⁰ Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

--James 4:4-10, ESV

I think that says it all.

Musing

The thing

about going to new places 

and meeting new people 

is that 

you always leave them. 

And when you leave, 

you don't get to take your entire heart with you.  

Traveling is always heartbreaking, 

if you do it right.

Everything Autumn

I can't quite put my finger on it.

Maybe it's the way the sunlight hits the earth, or the way the air just feels different somehow.  Maybe it's just me thinking back to all the fond memories from years past, or unpacking sweaters and boots and hanging them in my closet again.  I'm not sure what it is, but something about fall just makes me absolutely ecstatic.  I try to read for class, and I have to read the same paragraph four times before I comprehend it, all because of my wandering mind.

I can't seem to stop thinking about everything that I love about it.  In fact, I can't really think of anything that I don't love about fall.

I'm just gonna list a few of my absolute favorite things about this spectacular season; maybe then I'll be able to focus on the whole studying thing.

1. The weather.  It takes a while for the really good fall weather to come here in AL, but when it does come, it's the best weather all year.  Chilly breezes mingling with the still-warm sunshine.  It's the perfect time to wear...
2. The clothes.  Boots, sweaters, leggings, scarves.  Ahh.  I just love them all.
3. The fun.  Pumpkin patches, corn mazes, Halloween (call me pagan; I like it), playing in leaves...
4. Oh yeah, leaves! I lovelovelove the woods in the fall.  Red, yellow, orange, green, brown; gorgeous.
5. Warm drinks.  Fancy coffee, hot chocolate, apple cider.  Mmmm.

Okay, I'm just going to stop.  I could go on for a really long time about friends and music and campfires and so much more, but it's 10:27 PM, and I need to do my math homework.

I hope you share my excitement for this season. :) 

(I don't understand how you could not.)

How Far?

Consecrated.  

That's the word that seems to be at the front of my mind since I graduated from the Honor Academy almost a month ago.  That's the word that I want to describe me.

During the last month or two at the HA, we had to decide what our personal standards for our lives would be upon our graduation -- and with good reason.  For an entire year, we were given rules like no dating, no R-rated movies, no secular music, no drinking, no smoking, no immodest clothing, etc. We didn't have to decide a whole lot as far as our limits went; we just had to have integrity and follow the rules that were already set in place for us.

A lot of the rules were standards that I already lived by, so I didn't really need to think about those.  But for some, like listening to secular music, I only had vague ideas of my standards.  "I will listen to some secular music if I want to, but I won't listen to anything with lyrics that compromise my heart or mind," I decided.  So I tried going with that idea. 

But then I remembered a phrase spoken by a leader at the HA, something along the lines of, "How far, God, will you let me go? How abandoned will you let me be?" Those words were spoken during a sermon that was essentially about total consecration.  It goes along with 1 Corinthians 10:23, which says:

“'All things are lawful,' but not all things are helpful. 'All things are lawful,' but not all things build up."

So, sure.  Maybe listening to a few harmless, clean secular songs every now and then wouldn't hurt me.  It might not draw me further from the Lord.  But would it help me?  Would it draw me closer to the Lord? Probably not.

I don't want to just avoid the "big" sins.  I want to hate every little sin that I ever commit.  Every impatient sigh, every cutting remark, every carelessly casual sin. 

Leviticus 20:7 says, "Consecrate yourselves, therefore, and be holy, for I am the Lord your God."

I want total intimacy with God, no matter the cost.  

I want to go through His refining fire.

I want to be consecrated.

Love Abandoned

There's a passage in the book of Revelation that seems to be following me around lately.  It's in chapter two, and God has been showing me its truth as it relates to my life.


"I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false.  I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name's sake, and you have not grown weary.  But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first.  Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first..." -- Revelation 2:2-5


Wow.  How perfectly these verses align with my life right now.  Here at the Honor Academy, I am always busy fulfilling requirements.  I wake up, get ready, go to class, go to work, read my Bible Reading Plan, do homework, and so on.  And all of my requirements are good things.  In class, I'm learning how to walk out my faith.  At work, I'm doing ministry and making sure that kids are able to go on their mission trips and change their lives as well as the lives of others.  My Bible Reading Plan is great; it's helping me read through the entire Bible, which I've never done before.  My homework is beneficial, too; I learn good things from it.  But with this fast-paced, always-doing-something lifestyle comes a risk -- the risk of losing sight of why I even signed up for all this in the first place.


I remember when I first fell in love with God.  It was the summer of 2006, and I was head over heels.  That summer, I realized what Christianity was meant to be.  That summer, I decided to give absolutely everything to God.  And I did.  I started having a quiet time daily, I started digging in to every Christian book, CD, and church service I could get my hands on.  I looked into Christian colleges and began hanging out with Christian friends.  I signed up for a mission trip and learned what worship was all about.  I was learning like crazy, and I was loving like crazy.


I came here to the HA to grow in my relationship with God, and I have.  I've grown, but I have also gotten distracted.  In the words of a Teen Mania staff member who spoke to us at a service we had on Monday night, "Somewhere along the way, the ministry became my relationship with God."  And I'm not saying that I've just totally left God; that would by no means be true.  Not at all.  But He hasn't had my whole heart.  It's easy to be doing the work of the Lord without Him having my whole heart.  He has a lot of it; He even has most of it.  But He doesn't have all of it.  I have never stopped loving God, but I have loved Him less.


It's time for me to remember that God cares more about my heart than about what I'm called to do.  He wants my heart before my hands.  This is not to say that I shouldn't do that to which I'm called, but that I must do it out of love for Him.  Otherwise, my work is meaningless.  


I want that fervor back.  That reckless abandon that makes me look like a fool.  I want the love that I had at first.  I remember from where I have fallen, and I repent. Lord, I want to love You with my life.

Roller Coaster

I have been flooded with so many emotions the past couple days.  It's really pretty ridiculous.  

Sunday - Utterly overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness and awe.  I was driving down the road, completely alone, absolutely beaming.  I had this epiphany of how great God's love is, and how faithful He is.  Throughout the past couple years, I've been submerged in some really dark days.  I've been totally without hope, seeing no reason at all to continue living.  But God refused to let me go.  I could go on for quite a while getting into specifics of how He saved me (physically, that is) so many times in so many ways.  But I won't do that right now.  Just trust me; He did save me from death.

Monday - Defeated, annoyed, and inadequate.  I got back to campus after a 10-hour drive super late on Sunday, so I didn't get that much sleep that night.  So on Monday night, I went to bed at like 7:30 p.m, in hopes that I could recover from my exhaustion before today.  Well, I lay in bed for about 45 minutes with no sleep anywhere in sight.  It was really hot in my room, and I was miserable.  So I got out a book for class and began reading.  I read two chapters and decided to try to sleep again.  Then two of my roommates came in and started talking.  Loudly.  I had headphones in my ears with my iPod playing to drown out the noise, but I could hear them over it.  I tried to ignore it and go to sleep, but I couldn't.  So I finally asked them to try and be a little quieter.  They said they would, then proceeded to talk at the exact same level as before.  At this point, I was literally about to cry from frustration and exhaustion.  I climbed down from my bunk, grabbed my notebook and pen, and went to sit in the stairwell and write down my thoughts to God.  It was really more of me just yelling at Him on paper.  I don't get it, I fumed.  You've called me to this ridiculous, unattainable level of holiness- this way of life that I simply cannot live! Why would You call me to what I cannot do?  I keep screwing up, and it's not going to stop.  I vented to Him about this and various other thoughts in my mind, then eventually went back to bed and managed to fall asleep.

Tuesday - I've got so many emotions rolling around that I can't even begin to explain them all.

I'm telling you.  My mind and emotions are a roller coaster right now.  It's so frustrating.  I'll stop now, though, because I'm sure you won't want to continue listening to me babble on about all this.  I just wanted to write it all down in a blog, since I'm unable to do so in a poem (my preferred outlet.)  I do, however, want to insert this poem of mine from a couple years ago that I stumbled upon today.  I feel like it pretty perfectly describes my current dilemma with ineffability.  Here it is:


Sometimes,
My heart spills out poems,
Not written with a pen.
Poems that no one but God can read.
Not even me.

Sometimes,
These poems are emotions.
Flashing anger, glinting in the eye, a bolt of fire.
Peace, lulling my soul, which gives out a contented sigh.
Joy, dancing and laughing a laugh
That comes deep, deep from the bottom of the belly.

Sometimes,
My heart crafts poems that turn out to be pictures.
Pictures of driving down some straight, sunny road,
Windows down, music up.
Pictures of going away in the quiet, cool darkness,
To some far away midnight dream.
Pictures of nothing at all.

Sometimes,
My poems are tastes.
Bitter. Like coffee too strong, blacker than onyx.
Sweet. A favorite dessert, a sleepy sunrise.
Salty. Right on top of a fresh cut. Burning, burning.
Sour. Faces puckered, silly laughs.


Sometimes,
They're textures.
Rough. A wagon ride on a trail calloused by time.
Or crunchy, like the first bite of an apple,
Like the bite of the wind on a shivery fall day.

Sometimes,
They pour out like milk from a pitcher.
Smooth and steady.

These poems of mine,
They stay always in my mind and in my heart,
Whirring around, bumping into each other,
Moving slow and fast,
Down then up.

I cannot capture them with a pen or a net.
But they are poems.
My poems.
Written for me, and for God.

Unreached People Group LTE

Here at the Honor Academy, we have several events throughout the year called "Life Transforming Events", or LTE's for short. Our most recent LTE was the Unreached People Group LTE. Basically, all of us interns were divided into groups of about 5 to 10 people, and each group made up either a "tribe" or a missionary group. Each tribe had its own unique culture and religion, and none of them had been exposed to the Gospel at all. Each missionary group had one tribe that they had to minister/preach the Gospel to. Of course, it was all role-play; in reality, we were all Christians. The experience still impacted me tremendously, though, so I thought I'd share with you what I learned from it. :)

[FYI - I was in a missionary group, not a tribe.]

The Unreached People Group LTE was one of my favorite LTE’s so far this year. The experience was different than I expected it to be in a lot of ways; the whole thing affected me mentally and emotionally much more than I anticipated it would. I learned much about the importance of missionaries relating directly to the people and their beliefs, and the tribe people’s hearts pricked my own and reminded me of why I love missions so much.

One of the central lessons that I learned from UPG is that in order to effectively preach the Gospel to any people group, the missionaries must take into consideration the people’s culture and beliefs. We cannot use the same method to witness to Hindus as Muslims, or Muslims as atheists, or atheists as animists. We must speak in terms to which the people can relate. Our tribe, the Nhangs, worshipped a god named Mooshoo, who was supposedly loving, just like our own God. That was the trouble; Mooshoo was very similar to the true God, so it was difficult to explain why our God is better. We eventually picked up on several key differences, though. Mooshoo only ever “spoke” to Mau, their tribal chief. I was able to point out the beautiful truth that Yahweh, our God, speaks to all believers, male and female alike. Any god who chooses favorites cannot truly be loving. The Nhangs also held a key belief that Mooshoo held them in his hands and protected them, as long as they consistently prayed to him. “Mooshoo handinka Nhang,” Mau explained to us. We used this belief of theirs to explain that Yahweh holds us in His hands always, even if we don’t pray for a while.

In order to convey just how deeply my heart was impacted by this mock missions experience, I must explain some of my emotions from the past several months. Since I arrived here at the Honor Academy in Garden Valley, Texas, I have learned to appreciate Scottsboro, Alabama more than I ever thought that I would. I miss my home, my family, my friends, my church, my dog, my town, and my state as a whole. I can relate so directly to the lyrics of “Sweet Home Alabama.” So many days and nights here, I have wanted nothing more than to be back at home. This desire replaced an old one that I had, a desire to pack my bags and leave as soon as possible, to live forever in some faraway land, preaching the Gospel and loving the people. It’s true that I could just change my plans to be a missionary and choose to live at home in Alabama for the rest of my life, but there’s one problem with that decision. I am called to a career in foreign missions; to choose anything else would be direct disobedience of God and His will for my life. Because of that, I was extremely upset and confused that God had “allowed” for my desire for missions to be taken from me. “Why would He call me to something that I’d detest?” I wondered. I cried out to God over my confusion again and again, and He answered.

On Saturday, early in the afternoon, our tribe turned away from Mooshoo and turned to Yahweh. After many long discussions about each deity, they realized that ours was the only true God, the only Savior. Mau prayed first, and his prayer brought me deep joy. He shouted with all his might, “YAHWEH, HANDINKA NHANG?” I realize that the entire weekend was fake, but his prayer brought tears to my eyes. It was unconventional, but it was so very sincere.

The Unreached People Group LTE taught me and touched me more than I ever thought that it would. In His unfailing faithfulness, God spoke to me through that weekend, and I once again have my desire to reach the nations, even at the cost of leaving my beloved home. UPG was just what I needed; it truly was Life Transforming Event.

[Disclaimer: During our ministry, we used the name "Yahweh" instead of simply saying God, because if we said "God", our tribe assumed we were talking about their god, Mooshoo.   We needed to personalize our Savior.]

Here I Am. Send Me.

Lately my mind has been constantly occupied with thoughts and worries about my future.  What to do? Where to go?  How to get there?  I believe that I am called to a career in foreign missions, but it has become so difficult lately to embrace that calling.  I am afraid.  I was talking to God in my journal about all of this, and I wanted to post it on here.  It really just explains what's been on my mind and in my heart these past couple of months. 

Following Your plan is the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I am finally realizing what is at stake, and it is frightening.  No longer am I a fire-filled high school student who has little to lose, little to choose.  Now, I can do whatever I want.  I can choose Your path, or I can choose the American Dream.  I can choose jumping off a cliff, blindfolded, into Your arms, or I can choose quietly retreating into mediocrity, seeking completion in a safe, quaint home with a flower garden out front by the porch swing.  Now, I can gain or lose it all.  The question is, What is 'it all' to me?  What do I value the most?

Am I willing to count everything as loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing You, Jesus?  Or do I value my own comfort more than You and Your Gospel?  The stakes are higher now than I ever realized they'd be.  The siren song of suburbia whispers in my ear, "Come, come to me.  You can have all you ever wanted in me.  Come, you can still be a good Christian here.  Just join a local church; be an active member.  Teach VBS.  Join the choir.  Lead a Sunday school class.  Those are good things, right?  Come on, you don't want to raise your children in some dangerous, foreign country.  You want them to have a nice home, a nice school district, nice toys.  No one will blame you. Come."  

 I keep plugging my ears, though, Jesus. 

"No," I respond, "No! I want Christ and His cross more than anything else! Yes, I want the cross!  I want to preach the Gospel of hope to the hopeless, of peace to the peaceless, of joy to the joyless!  I want to proclaim truth to those who seek it day and night!  I want Jesus!  For what do I have if gain the whole world, but lose my soul?"

Oh, God, I count the costs of each decision I could make and I remember the words of Mordecai spoken to Esther:

"Do not think to yourself that in the king's palace you will escape any more than all the other Jews.  For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish.  And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" (Esther 4:14)

God, I believe that You have called me to this life, born me into this family for such a time as this.  I must follow You.  The cost of going will be high, but the cost of staying would be infinitely higher.

I think back to the passage in Isaiah 6:5-8 in which Isaiah receives atonement for his sin.  He was healed, and though it hurt, it was glorious!  Then God called out for someone to go for Him.  Others needed to hear His message.  Others needed healing.  I feel that this is similar to my own situation.

The coal burned my lips, Lord.  It hurt.  But I am forgiven; my guilt is taken away, and it is glorious!  Therefore I must kneel before Your throne and answer Your call.  Here I am.  Send me.  

Jumbled Thoughts

Do you ever have that feeling in your stomach? The one that makes you absolutely restless and excited and anxious and nervous, but you just don't know why?  I do. In fact, I have it right now. My mind is racing, and it refuses to slow down. So I think I'm gonna write it out; maybe then I can better process what's going on in my brain.

Lately, God has been teaching me things at a such a crazy fast speed. I can hardly keep up, but I love it! I feel like I am finally getting more out of the internship at the HA. Don't get me wrong; it was good before, but now it's just better.  I am positive that a lot of it has to do with the new prayer room on campus. Having three hours of  mandatory prayer time per week is bound to change your life.  I'm excited to see what's next every morning.

There is a catch, though, with this new, accelerated growth.  God is drawing me nearer and nearer to Him, so Satan is throwing chain after chain in my direction.  He's trying to get to my neck and tighten the noose. I'm not gonna lie; it's HARD.  He's been attacking me the hardest in the area of my attitude and relationships with others.  Negative thoughts keep flying into my head.  And so many little moments in the day, I let him win.  But I have to realize that he IS the enemy. People are NOT. God's Word says that if I resist the devil, he will FLEE from me! I could sit back (as I've done so many times before) and be a victim to his attacks, lying on the floor and crying. Or I could do a little work and RESIST him.  I'm gonna choose the latter.

I'm also looking forward to Thanksgiving break. It's only FIVE days away, after all! I've never gone so long without seeing the beautiful Scottsboro, Alabama. And yes, I admit it; I miss it like crazy!  But I know that as I go home, to comfort, to lower standards, to less accountability, it will be so easy to let all the ground I've gained slip right out of my hands.  This will be the true test.  It's easy to subconsciously believe that I've turned into this awesome super-Christian here at the HA. It's not that I'm arrogant about it; please don't think that.  I know it is NOT true - believe me!  I'm just not provided an opportunity to be caught in most of the traps that entangled me at home.  That doesn't mean, though, that I'm necessarily stronger in those areas.  I've gotta be able to stand in the very face of that enticing temptation, recognize it for what it is, decide to choose God instead, and turn around and RUN from it.

2 Samuel 22:30-31:

For by you I can run against a troop,
   and by my God I can leap over a wall.
This God— his way is perfect;
   the word of the LORD proves true;
   he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.

Sorry if my thoughts don't make sense. I warned you, though, about my racing mind. Hah.  Anyway, I guess that's about all I have for now. :)

Lift Up Your Face

Lift up your face, girl,

Up toward Me;

I'm gazing back down at you,

Lovingly

Lift up your heart, My darling,

Up toward Me;

I'll hold it right here next to Mine,

For eternity

My dear one, take the plunge

Into My sea of forgetfulness;

I will cast all your wrongs as far

As the East is from the West

Oh, My love, My love,

Then I'll pull you up from the waters,

Dry you off, spin you around,

Give you a kiss and a jeweled crown

Oh, My love,

Yes, My dear, dear one,

My darling, darling

Girl, lift up your face