Lately my mind has been constantly occupied with thoughts and worries about my future. What to do? Where to go? How to get there? I believe that I am called to a career in foreign missions, but it has become so difficult lately to embrace that calling. I am afraid. I was talking to God in my journal about all of this, and I wanted to post it on here. It really just explains what's been on my mind and in my heart these past couple of months.
Following Your plan is the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I am finally realizing what is at stake, and it is frightening. No longer am I a fire-filled high school student who has little to lose, little to choose. Now, I can do whatever I want. I can choose Your path, or I can choose the American Dream. I can choose jumping off a cliff, blindfolded, into Your arms, or I can choose quietly retreating into mediocrity, seeking completion in a safe, quaint home with a flower garden out front by the porch swing. Now, I can gain or lose it all. The question is, What is 'it all' to me? What do I value the most?
Am I willing to count everything as loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing You, Jesus? Or do I value my own comfort more than You and Your Gospel? The stakes are higher now than I ever realized they'd be. The siren song of suburbia whispers in my ear, "Come, come to me. You can have all you ever wanted in me. Come, you can still be a good Christian here. Just join a local church; be an active member. Teach VBS. Join the choir. Lead a Sunday school class. Those are good things, right? Come on, you don't want to raise your children in some dangerous, foreign country. You want them to have a nice home, a nice school district, nice toys. No one will blame you. Come."
I keep plugging my ears, though, Jesus.
"No," I respond, "No! I want Christ and His cross more than anything else! Yes, I want the cross! I want to preach the Gospel of hope to the hopeless, of peace to the peaceless, of joy to the joyless! I want to proclaim truth to those who seek it day and night! I want Jesus! For what do I have if gain the whole world, but lose my soul?"
Oh, God, I count the costs of each decision I could make and I remember the words of Mordecai spoken to Esther:
"Do not think to yourself that in the king's palace you will escape any more than all the other Jews. For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" (Esther 4:14)
God, I believe that You have called me to this life, born me into this family for such a time as this. I must follow You. The cost of going will be high, but the cost of staying would be infinitely higher.I think back to the passage in Isaiah 6:5-8 in which Isaiah receives atonement for his sin. He was healed, and though it hurt, it was glorious! Then God called out for someone to go for Him. Others needed to hear His message. Others needed healing. I feel that this is similar to my own situation.
The coal burned my lips, Lord. It hurt. But I am forgiven; my guilt is taken away, and it is glorious! Therefore I must kneel before Your throne and answer Your call. Here I am. Send me.
