Jumbled Thoughts

Do you ever have that feeling in your stomach? The one that makes you absolutely restless and excited and anxious and nervous, but you just don't know why?  I do. In fact, I have it right now. My mind is racing, and it refuses to slow down. So I think I'm gonna write it out; maybe then I can better process what's going on in my brain.

Lately, God has been teaching me things at a such a crazy fast speed. I can hardly keep up, but I love it! I feel like I am finally getting more out of the internship at the HA. Don't get me wrong; it was good before, but now it's just better.  I am positive that a lot of it has to do with the new prayer room on campus. Having three hours of  mandatory prayer time per week is bound to change your life.  I'm excited to see what's next every morning.

There is a catch, though, with this new, accelerated growth.  God is drawing me nearer and nearer to Him, so Satan is throwing chain after chain in my direction.  He's trying to get to my neck and tighten the noose. I'm not gonna lie; it's HARD.  He's been attacking me the hardest in the area of my attitude and relationships with others.  Negative thoughts keep flying into my head.  And so many little moments in the day, I let him win.  But I have to realize that he IS the enemy. People are NOT. God's Word says that if I resist the devil, he will FLEE from me! I could sit back (as I've done so many times before) and be a victim to his attacks, lying on the floor and crying. Or I could do a little work and RESIST him.  I'm gonna choose the latter.

I'm also looking forward to Thanksgiving break. It's only FIVE days away, after all! I've never gone so long without seeing the beautiful Scottsboro, Alabama. And yes, I admit it; I miss it like crazy!  But I know that as I go home, to comfort, to lower standards, to less accountability, it will be so easy to let all the ground I've gained slip right out of my hands.  This will be the true test.  It's easy to subconsciously believe that I've turned into this awesome super-Christian here at the HA. It's not that I'm arrogant about it; please don't think that.  I know it is NOT true - believe me!  I'm just not provided an opportunity to be caught in most of the traps that entangled me at home.  That doesn't mean, though, that I'm necessarily stronger in those areas.  I've gotta be able to stand in the very face of that enticing temptation, recognize it for what it is, decide to choose God instead, and turn around and RUN from it.

2 Samuel 22:30-31:

For by you I can run against a troop,
   and by my God I can leap over a wall.
This God— his way is perfect;
   the word of the LORD proves true;
   he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.

Sorry if my thoughts don't make sense. I warned you, though, about my racing mind. Hah.  Anyway, I guess that's about all I have for now. :)

Lift Up Your Face

Lift up your face, girl,

Up toward Me;

I'm gazing back down at you,

Lovingly

Lift up your heart, My darling,

Up toward Me;

I'll hold it right here next to Mine,

For eternity

My dear one, take the plunge

Into My sea of forgetfulness;

I will cast all your wrongs as far

As the East is from the West

Oh, My love, My love,

Then I'll pull you up from the waters,

Dry you off, spin you around,

Give you a kiss and a jeweled crown

Oh, My love,

Yes, My dear, dear one,

My darling, darling

Girl, lift up your face

Here at the Honor Academy, we are given a Bible Reading Plan. We have to read anywhere from three to six chapters per day; by the end of our year here, every intern will have read through the entire Bible. Well, a couple days ago, I finished the first five books. Infamous for being boring and inapplicable, those books are the ones that stop so many of us Christians from ever making a dent in fulfilling our repeated resolutions to read the entire Bible. And yes, some of it was painfully repetitive and seemingly pointless. But here’s the crazy part: I learned a TON from those “useless, outdated” books!
The books outline the Israelites’ journey through the wilderness into God’s Promised Land. God told them that He would be with them, that He would guide them and not forsake or leave them. He provided manna for them so that they wouldn’t be hungry. They ate the very same food that angels eat! But over and over, they complained against God. They whined that they’d rather be back in Egypt, working themselves to death as slaves, because at least then they had fish and meat to eat. God got mad; He sent them quail, saying, “Fine; if you want meat, I’ll give you meat. But you won’t receive it without consequence.” They ate the meat, then God killed them. The lesson? God will give us what we need. He will feed us and provide for us, and the food He gives us will be GOOD. But we are so like the Israelites; He gives us the best we could have - the food of angels - and we whine for the old days when we were in chains but had meat.
Reading those books also forced me to address really hard aspects of God’s character. It would be so much easier to stay in my little New Testament bubble, and only ever talk about God’s grace and mercy, about how He forgives over and over again. But to do that would be to ignore a vital part of our faith’s history. The God that led the Israelites through the wilderness seems harsh, and even sinful at times. He sent the Israelites to conquer cities and kingdoms, and told them not to spare a single person -- not a man, not a woman, not an infant. He even told them that if they did not live up to the covenant that they had agreed to, He would take away every blessing that He gave. He would send plagues down on them, they would have famines, they would even resort to eating their own babies.
When I first read those words, it was really hard to stomach them. How could Someone so holy do something so horrible? What about mercy? What about love? It’s easy to think like that, but it’s not right. Those cities that God told the Israelites to devote to destruction? They were filled with all sorts of evil - disgusting acts of worship to pagan gods were the norm. The citizens of these cities would even sacrifice their own children to the fiery mouth of a chunk of metal named Molech. God knew that if the Israelites spared some of these people, their culture would be tainted, and soon the Israelites themselves would be offering up human sacrifices to non-living idols. And about the curses? God never wanted to curse them; He desired only to bless His children and love them always. But if they didn’t have to fear any repercussions for their sins, then what would stop them from committing them? God repeatedly warned them of the dangers of straying from His holy ways; but He wasn’t unjust. And really, why would anyone ever want to worship a god who was unjust?
It’s hard for me to fully convey through writing all that I’ve learned through my journey through the Bible so far. Maybe this post seems just as boring as the pages of Deuteronomy and Numbers. I don’t know, but I hope not. Here’s what I do know, though: if you’re a Christian, and you haven’t read the Bible in its entirety, today is the day to start. I haven’t made it far yet, but I can guarantee that if you go into it prayerfully seeking to understand God’s ways more clearly, then you will not be disappointed.

Opportunity for Today

I can easily remember my life one year ago.  I couldn’t believe my senior year of high school had finally come. I couldn’t believe I’d be moving out of my house forever in just a few short months.  It was all so unreal.  But I also remember that I was discontent with my life. I didn’t like the place that God had put me.  I was restless; I wanted to escape my life in Scottsboro, Alabama and move on to “bigger, better things.”  I had heard a thousand times people warning my peers and me not to wish away the days till graduation.  I figured I knew more than all of those people, though.  And truthfully, I don’t really miss my life from a year ago.  It wasn't that awesome.  I was in a transitional phase, and I didn’t like it at all.  Here’s what I do miss, though.

I miss the opportunity that God laid before me in that season of my life, the opportunity that I failed to take advantage of.  I was going through an extremely challenging time, and I could have used it to better myself spiritually. Instead, I lamented over my struggles and stubbornly turned my back on the only One who could guide me through the night.

Well, here I am, and I believe I’ve moved on to another phase; a happier one.  It’s so freeing. And while I didn’t learn all the things a year ago that I should have, I am learning them now, by the grace of God. 

I wished away that final year of living at home with my mom and going to high school, counting the months and days till I’d arrive at Teen Mania.  And now, I sit here at my desk in Garden Valley, Texas and I am absolutely elated at the thought of going back to Scottsboro for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  How ironic.  It's made me realize that if I am not careful, I will never live at all, because I'll always be too wrapped up in the future to take advantage of what God has for me today.  I think I really am beginning to understand more deeply the concept of truly living in the present. Of not taking advantage of the time I’m given TODAY. Because “tomorrow” never really will come.

I’m in a class called Habitudes here at the Honor Academy, and I really loved the last chapter of the book, by Dr. Tim Elmore, and his perspective on opportunity.  At the end of the chapter, he helps put the value of time into perspective with the following powerful sentences:

To realize the value of one year, ask a student who has failed his final exam.

To realize the value of one month, ask a mother who just gave birth to a

premature baby.

To realize the value of one week, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of one day, ask the daily laborer who has ten kids to feed.

To realize the value of one hour, ask a boyfriend and girlfriend who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of one minute, ask the person who just missed his flight.

To realize the value of one second, ask the person who survived a car accident.

To realize the value of one millisecond, ask the person who has won a gold

medal.

Home

Some people say that home is where you grew up or where you were born.

Others believe it’s where your family is.

Then there’s the ever-famous cliché…Home is where the heart is.

I, however, had the epiphany last weekend that while all of those are true,

Your home – your real home -- is simply wherever God is.

Let me explain, because I know the thoughts in your head:

‘Umm, God is everywhere. That doesn’t make sense.’

Or maybe you’re thinking,

’Is she talking about heaven?’

And those thoughts are both true; God is everywhere.

That’s not what I mean, though.

And yes, as Christians, our home truly is in heaven,

But that’s not what I mean either.

What I do mean is this:

Wherever God wants you, wherever His will is for you to be,

That’s where home is for you.

That may be your hometown,

Or it may be 600 miles away from your hometown.

This truth is really very elementary,

But I realized it in a more powerful way yesterday.

Several of us girls in my core here at the Honor Academy went with my Core Advisor to her parents' house in Shreveport, Louisiana for the weekend. It was so nice to just spend a couple days in a real home, with a real family. We had home-cooked food and watched movies. But interestingly, it all made me really, really miss Scottsboro --my home and my family.  As we drove back to campus last night, I just sat there and thought about things.  The song “This is Home” by Switchfoot came on, and I actually became glad to be heading toward the Honor Academy again.  Not because I was excited about sleeping in my triple bunk bed or sharing a bathroom with an entire hallway of girls or eating cafeteria food for every meal.  But because I know that this place truly is where God wants me to be.  When I’m here – for now – I’m in His will.  This campus truly is home.

Mist

My thoughts on the subject are like the clouds in the sky;
Their shapes are constantly changing.


Today, I think this is a test that I have to take over and over, 
Until I pass it.
I wonder if I will ever be strong enough to make the grade.
I doubt it.
What if I never can?
Will He realize eventually that it is never going to happen?
Or will He keep forcing my pen to the paper, 
Thinking that maybe I just need to give it one more try?


What shape will my thoughts take tomorrow?

Free Money? Sweet. A Wiser Perspective? Priceless.

I always thought that graduating high school wasn't that big of a deal, until I did it. I thought the most exciting part of the entire process would be the Hallmark cards wishing me well and the cool, green cash inside them.  But I have to admit --for once-- that I could not have been more wrong.


Many young graduates experience a roller coaster of emotions on graduation day.  I, too, endured emotional ups and downs, but the reasons were different for me than for most.  I didn't despair about never seeing many of my classmates again -- heck, I didn't even have anything in common with eighty percent of them.  Instead, I shed tears of relief and of joy that I actually made it to what remains the most monumental landmark of my life thus far. 


The most memorable second of the SHS Commencement Ceremony, for me, was when our Class of 2010 was asked to consummate our alumni status by repositioning our tassels to the right side of our caps.  The emotions that surged through me at that instant were innumerable.  So many times these past four years I have wondered if, and even doubted that, I would ever wear one of those illustrious black robes.  I fought back tears as I grinned from ear to ear and pulled those black and gold strands in an act of victory, overwhelmed by a glorious sense of accomplishment.


Yes, the cards made me smile, and the gifts were great.  But I will never again believe them to be the chief reward of graduating. After all, gifts do not come without reason. Graduating most simply means advancing to a new level of skill, achievement, or activity.  I believe I graduated, indeed. I now appreciate much more deeply the meaning behind all the hullabaloo and Hallmark cards.